The following is a list of good things that I have done lately, in the order in which they took place:

-Waited in line at 5am to purchase Cities97 Sampler vol 21
-Drank very tasty coffee
-Attended the Guitar Extravaganza at Whiskey Junction
-Danced from 6 until almost 2am
-Drank beer in celebration of Vicki's birthday
-Slept and had crazy dreams
-Ate delicious Chinese buffet
-Went to the Bodies exhibit at MoA
-Saw some really cool dissected people and was a biology nerd
-Read half of the December Issue of Scientific American
-Finished 10man ToC in an hour and topped heal charts
-Downed General in Ulduar and attempted Yoggy for the first time ZOMG SCREENSHOT!
-Ate a delicious burrito

There’s a commercial that’s been playing during primetime lately about how people with mental illnesses face a stigma, which is just as bad as the disease. It encourages people to reach out to one another. As someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness since I was 14, and struggling with one all of my life, it’s true. It is painfully and undeniably true.

One of the memories that stands out the most, was when I was at lunch with Ava, Jon, and Jane. Mike was with, as always. We started talking about antidepressants, and when I started to say something about how I used to be on one, Mike cut me off and shot me the “don’t talk about that” glare. Verbalizing it made it true, and he was afraid. He was afraid to tell his mother that I saw a psychologist. He was afraid to admit that his girlfriend had a mental illness.

That stigma has a way of silencing people. It takes a person who is already struggling internally with something that is frustrating and at times very emotionally painful and isolates them. It scares people away from being the support system that is so needed.

I’m not afraid to talk about my mental illness anymore. I see other people who are fighting off the same symptoms that I fight, who are conquering the same internal battles that I am conquering. There is strength in numbers, and there is strength in knowing that you’re not alone. Even though it feels so oppressive, there is strength to be drawn from the struggles.

Happiness is not some unobtainable goal; it’s there, as illusive as it may sometimes seem.

Home has always been of overwhelming importance to me, because whenever I get sad I cling to the idea of home. Having a place that is safe and where I feel like I belong anchors me. When I was at the doctors two weeks ago my doctor asked me, "Don't you feel trapped there?"

When I thought about it; I do.

Lately, I feel like I've been putting a very large amount of my energy into taking care of my mom. She's been having trouble lately with menial things because she's adjusting to a new medication. It's not hard to for me to put in a little effort here and a little effort there; making sure she eats breakfast, making lunch for her and myself, running errands for her, being the arm for her to hold onto when she's having trouble walking. I enjoy doing all of those things because she appreciates me so much, and when I'm not at home she does little nice things for me to remind that I'm important.

Yet, despite the gratification of knowing I am doing something helpful and how much it means to her, I still feel trapped. It makes me feel incredibly selfish. I don't know how to shake the feeling... anyone have some advice?

There always comes a time in November when the novel writing steam begins to run out and every possible little distraction becomes deeply more interesting and enticing than trying to wade through excessive exposition and sluggish dialog. The moment of self doubt explodes into an almost revelation that this novel might be the epitome of suckiness- That the plot is buried beneath shoddy dream sequences and it is distinctly possible that the reader will never be able to find it.

But that is okay.

It's all okay.

I can hit 15k words by the end of the day Monday

even if it means I will be sleep deprived, and I have to resist the urge to tab back over to wow... and waste my entire day running heroics, because I want some more pvp gear for my lock. See what I mean about enticing distractions? I just got done looking at a months worth of daily_lolita posts. No lie, I wish this novel would grow hands and start writing itself.

But it's okay, 15k is a beautiful shiny glimmering goal.

I'll get there.

Yay for chapter 2. I'm pleased with it. :D Chapter 3 is coming along a little more sluggishly, but I'm about at the 10k mark now.

Gabriel

Waking up from my dreams is like reentering hell.

---

You’re staring into Melissa’s beautiful dark eyes. In them you can see your soul reflected back at you in her loving stare. She kisses you fervently and slides her wet tongue along your bottom lip. You want her so badly you can barely contain yourself. She smiles at you and runs her fingers through your hair. Chills run down your spine, starting at the nape of your neck, where her fingers are gently touching you.
( Read more... )

Here is chapter 1! I am almost done with the second chapter as well, so hopefully that will be up within the next couple of days. Here's where it starts to get weird, so I hope you enjoy it or can at least follow it.

Lark

I have waking dreams, portraits of future nestled in hopes. Of what will become of me, where life will take me. My waking dreams are of a journey driven by some still unknown passion through the ridiculousness of the waking world. When I close my eyes and go to sleep my dreams are far different. They embody a seemingly purposeless wandering, but where no purpose is needed. Mere existence.

In my dreams sometimes I am beautiful, with ornate gowns that brush the tops of my knees and sausage curl pigtails. Sometimes I start spontaneous flash fires with my mind. In the dream world I become any peculiar combination of who I am, who I was, and who I fantasize about being.
( Read more... )

Gabriel was a tall handsome man. His long silvery blond hair was tied in a ponytail at the nape of his neck, his arms draped at his sides lifelessly. He kept his pale blue eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses, just as he hid the pain he was feeling as he stepped onto the subway platform. Today was the anniversary of the worst day of his life.

The platform was crowded, and he relished in being able to disappear amongst the throng of people. He had no desire to converse with anyone; he didn’t feel like one of them anymore. He was a walking ghost now, without the pleasure of being actually dead. Gabriel had spent many long hours wishing for death, but somehow death would not take him. He cursed the injustice of life.

Three years ago he stood at the very same platform. He had been in his last year of college, about to finish a degree in music. He was finally ready to really start his life. He had stopped at the bank that morning to withdraw a rather large sum of money from his savings account. He boarded the subway and got off at a different stop than he usually did. He had been anticipating this day for a very long time. He walked down the sidewalk towards a little boutique; with each step, a grin tugged at his lips. He entered the shop and couldn’t help but smile at the lady behind the counter.

“How can I help you, dear?” she asked.

“I’m looking to buy an engagement ring,” replied Gabriel, barely able to contain the excitement, “and it has to be perfect, because it’s for the most perfect woman in the world.”

The store clerk smiled back at him, “I think we can find you something that she’ll love! What kind of lady is she?”

He could spend hours talking about his beautiful Melissa, her long dark hair and brown eyes that you could get lost in. She was soft spoken, but intelligent and kind hearted. She loved Gabriel passionately and told him so, even if he could tell just by the way she looked at him. She was majoring in political science at Boston University, in hopes of becoming a high school teacher once she graduated in the following spring. She loved life and never took the little things for granted; she treated every moment like it was special. She made sure everyone around her knew how much they meant to her, and Gabriel loved her more than he ever thought it was possible to love another human being.

He spent hours pouring over dozens of beautiful rings, in search of the perfect gem for his radiant Melissa. The clerk never lost patience with him and listened to him conspire about his secret plan for the perfect proposal.

“We met in high school, theoretically,” he told her with a chuckle, “She was absolutely gorgeous, so naturally, I was afraid to talk to her. She was friends with my best friend Chris though; they both wrote for the school newspaper,” he smiled nostalgically, “She’s such a good writer. I actually tried to convince her to go into journalism, but she says journalists make too many enemies. Anyways, our senior year Chris asked her to prom and she turned him down because she said she’d rather go with me!” he laughed, “Thankfully, he didn’t take it personally, and he gave me the hint to ask her myself.

“He’s always been a good guy,” Gabriel reminisced, “I’m going to ask him to be my best man… if she says yes. Oh god, what if she doesn’t say yes?”

“How could she say no?” asked the clerk with a smile, “You two sound perfect for each other.”

“I’m just nervous; I love her so much,” he said, “I don’t know how I could live without her.”

“Before the prom we went out to eat at this hole in the wall Chinese restaurant,” he continued, “I’d made reservations at this real fancy Italian place, but I botched it and made them for the day after the prom. So we got there and the hostess told us we were sol. I was devastated; I thought, This beautiful girl is going to think I am the biggest loser in the history of the universe. I turned red as a beet and started telling her how sorry I was, but she just laughed- she has the most amazing laugh like a bell- and she asked me if I liked Chinese food.

“I said, ‘Yeah, of course!’ and she grabbed my arm and led me outside of the fancy restaurant and pointed at this trashy looking Chinese place across the street. You know, the reject pizza place furniture and the light up menu that has pictures of the meals that look way better than the food looks when they bring it out. They didn’t even have real silverware, just plastic shit.

“So we ate some really crappy chow mien, and she just kept smiling at me and telling me not to worry about it,” Gabriel couldn’t stop smiling, “and then do you know what she said? She said she didn’t care that I botched the reservations and that she’d rather just eat crappy Chinese food with me than be anywhere else in the world. That’s when I knew that she was the perfect girl for me. So, I kissed her! Right there, with soy sauce breath and those crunchy noodles all stuck in my teeth, and she kissed me back- God can that woman kiss like no other- and she reached over the table and grabbed my butt,” he was beaming at the memory.

“So the plan is this Friday I have a reservation at the same fancy Italian place, IL Cappriccio, it‘s in Waltham. This time I’m going to get it right, and then at dinner we’ll laugh and I’m going to kiss her and grab her butt. Then I’ll slip the ring into her back pocket and ask her to be my wife,” he laughed and the clerk joined in.

She brought him more velveteen boxes and laid them on the counter. Gabriel flipped through boxes, examining each ring and then rejecting it for being too gaudy or just not right. He picked up a small black box. As he opened it his phone beeped in his pocket.

“I think this is it,” he said, pulling the ring from the box and looking at it closely.

He reached into his pocket and took out his cell phone. He opened it and smiled.

“Yup, it’s fate,” he said decidedly, “She just texted me just to tell me she loves me, right as I found this ring. This is it. How much?”

Gabriel paid the clerk in cash and pocketed the ring.

He remembered every moment after that like it happened yesterday. When he left the shop, the bell at the door rang, so he didn’t notice his phone was ringing at first. The sun was shining and the sky was full of small clouds that looked like cotton balls that were reflected in the windows of the buildings towering above him. That moment, staring into the sky was the last moment of his life that be believed in God.

He answered his phone; it was his mother.

“Baby,” she said slowly, “I just got off the phone with Melissa’s mom… There’s been an accident,” she paused to wait for any response, but Gabriel was silent.

“She was hit by a car crossing the street. She died on impact… I‘m so sorry Baby.”

Gabriel dropped his phone and stared at the sidewalk in front of him. He stared at it angrily for a moment and ground the heel of his shoe into it, as though destroying it would somehow make the last moment not have happened. The ring felt like it was going to burn a hole in his pocket. Now he wore it on a thin gold chain around his neck, so he would never forget his love.


Lark was running late, which was not usual for her. She was in Boston to consult with a colleague about a study on genetic engineering that she was supervising. Over lunch, she and the other biologist had gotten to talking about ethical medicine, and now Lark was running late. She had to get back to her hotel room to get her luggage and make it to the airport, or she risked missing her flight. She didn’t want to deal with how tedious that would be.

She ran down the street with her briefcase tucked under her arm; she wished she hadn’t felt the need to look especially professional and had worn more functional shoes. The sun was shining onto the sidewalk beneath her feet. She looked up at the sky and laughed at her own foolishness.

Lark rushed down the stairs and onto the subway platform. Her mind was wandering and she snuck between the crowd of people. She ran right into a handsome young man with long silvery blond hair and knocked the sunglasses off of his face.

Gabriel bent down and picked up his sunglasses, glancing up at Lark and meeting her gaze. For just a moment he looked into her bright green eyes and the pain in his chest subsided.

She blushed and started apologizing profusely, furrowing her brow and looking into his pale blue eyes.

“Oh, it’s okay,” he said quietly.

“I’m in a hurry, I’m going to miss my flight if I miss this train,” Lark said quickly.

She turned and ran off, her heels clicking beneath her feet. Gabriel stared at his feet for a moment and put back on his sunglasses. When he looked back up Lark had disappeared back into the crowd.

They both went on their way and soon forgot about one another, because realistically it was an insignificant moment.


Hope you enjoyed it... and never fear, I'll put the longer parts under an lj-cut to save your friendslist. <3

Happy National Novel Writing Month everyone! For anyone who doesn't know what NaNo is, you can check out www.nanowrimo.org! Also, if any of you are also doing NaNo, add me as a writing buddy. Same username is the same as my journal. :D

I'm going to be posting my novel here, and I greatly encourage any constructive criticism, random comments, or links to things that are intended to distract me from writing. Please remember that this is more of an exercise of quantity over quality. I'll edit it and tidy it all up later; they even have a National Novel Editing Month for that purpose.

My book is about dreams. I'm trying my hand at writing in different verb tenses and different perspectives. I have some parts that are much like The Fall by Albert Camus, present tense and second person narrative. So far, I'm having a lot of fun! I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I like writing it. <3

Today is the happiest birthday of all birthdays! So far being 22 has been awesome, and I'll take it as a good omen for the year to come. :D

I'll write up a full review with photos later... once my feet heal. For now, here's a video I found on YouTube from the fest- featuring myself Judy and Daddy dancing. :D

Farewell my Cutie Mike. I wish it didn't have to end like this. But it's better this way.

I fail at jousting.

I wake up in a room bathed in sunlight. Sheer curtains hang from tall windows, with flower pots in their sills. Haku is asleep at the foot of my bed. I climb out of bed and dress. The room smells like fresh flowers.

Haku leads me down a hallway, with tapestries on the walls. I follow him down spiral stairs outside into a beautiful garden. There are bushes and trees all covered in fruit- blueberries the size of plums, strawberries the size of coconuts, mangoes the size of watermelons. I pick a blueberry and a strawberry. I follow a path of stepping stones through the garden. I pass rows of huge vegetable patches to a pair of french doors.

Inside is another room lined in tall windows. Shiny appliances, wooden cabinets, and granite counter tops line the walls on two sides. There is a large table near the windows and plush chairs with gaudy upholstery. I find the coffee maker on the counter and pour myself a cup of coffee, in an antique teacup. The whole house smells like fresh flowers.

I eat my fruits and sip my coffee as I explore the castle. My footsteps echo on the floors. The whole place is empty, just me and Haku. So warm and inviting, and yet, there is no one else here.

I find a large bathroom with stained glass windows. There is a large bathtub with feet like a bird's talons. The floor is covered in plush rugs and matching towels hang inside of a small wardrobe. I run steaming water into the tub and the sunlight through the stained glass paints kaleidoscope pictures on the surface of the water. Even the water smells like flowers.

Somehow, already undressed, I step into the tub and sink into the warm fragrant water. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

THIS.

I love unicorns.

I've spent the past couple weeks working with my college adviser on coming up with funding for my education. Three scholarship essays, 65 job applications, and two grant applications later, I still don't know how I can pay for it. I am applying for the Peace Corps.

I think I need it. It's almost embarrassing how much I take for granted. I constantly want things I don't need, and it is a rare occasion for me to really stop and be thankful for it. It breaks my heart to think about people dying over things that would barely merit calling in sick for work in a developed country. It makes my stomach churn to think that I'm never going to have to worry about not having water, unless our well dries up or gets contaminated, but there are people dying of hunger or infections from not having potable water. I take it all completely for granted.

So I thought to myself, what if I died tomorrow? What would I have to say for my life? I want to be able to say I did my part for humanity and for the beautiful world we live on. I want to be able to actually have a positive impact on someone's life. I want to really feel what its like to only have what I need to live, so that I can come home and really cherish what I have. Perhaps it's a selfish motive to curb ones own greed. Perhaps I just hate myself for being so incredibly selfish to complain when I have everything I need. Perhaps I need to prove to myself that I don't need to be that selfish person.

I'm tired of wasting my life when I could be doing something actually meaningful.

Welcome to Saturday night! I get to wake up and make a jello salad thing and go to church and then the church potluck. It is for my grandma, because she is old. She has severe memory loss and since my grandpa passed away she's been just waiting to die. She tells Mommy she thinks she's ready to be done living. But whenever I am there she is happy, so I go see her. She never remembers that I went to see her after I leave, but she loves me and she wants to fund my education and she is always happy to see me. Getting to see me + praising Jesus + potluck = perfect day for Grandma. I hope she doesn't notice how hung over I am going to be.

I am running my happy gnome warlock all around Azeroth to honor Alliance fires and urinate all over Horde fires to celebrate the Midsummer Festival. I'm lost... fuck Dustwallow Marsh. Sneaky Horde towns all hidden so I can't piss in their fires.

I bought a cute jumperskirt on egl and I still haven't gotten it yet. It feels like its been forever since she shipped it out to me. I usually get very overly excited to check the mail whenever I am waiting for a package, but I have started to expect it not to be there. It's like waiting for the return of someone you love but you know is never coming back... It is so cute and full of cute elephants. Elephants are so so so good! I love them! [insert squealing]

I had a dream last night that was very Alice in Wonderland-esque. (Am I even allowed to attach esque to the title of a book and have it make sense?) I was following Haku and he was hopping all over our back yard. And I followed him down the path into the woods, where he lead me to a door (it was probably a wardrobe door, yay Narnia!), which of course I entered. But then I was just nowhere, as though I'd disappeared. Haku was there with me and we just were. Strange. Maybe that's what it feels like to die.

I get new socks soon! SUPER YAY! I have SO many pink clothes but zero pink socks.

For your enjoyment, a picture of the cutest Haku bunny, being a sleepy bunny lump on the porch.

I was listening to the Current on the way here and I heard this version of Hallelujah, and it made me cry. What a beautiful song.

Out here in the woods instead of having cable tv we have bird feeders. My parents religiously feed the birds and battle the raccoons who are bird feeder thieves in the night. These are by no means professional photos, just a couple snaps I took through the picture window in the living room. I just thought I'd bring a little prettiness to your day. :D

( Onward to pretty birds... )

I never thought I'd feel so lonely sitting next to you.